I FOUND A COCCYX IN A CHURCHYARD

I found a coccyx in a churchyard.
I recognised it, it wasn’t hard,
I recognised it, it wasn’t difficult –
it wasn’t a scapula or a clavicle,
it wasn’t a malleus, incus or stapes.
I asked the verger if I could keep it,
I said “Can I keep it, pretty please?”
And he said:

There’s a box beside the pulpit where the coccyxes get put,
the ones the foxes dig up, the ones the gardener finds
when he’s planting out the crocuses; he finds a coccyx focuses
his intimations of mortality, says it focuses the mind.
So go and put it with the others, young Rachel.

And I said “But I want to keep it”,
And he said
“Oh, you’ll have to go and ask the rector then, I suppose.”
So I went round to the rectory
With the bony thing held next to me.
He was writing out a sermon
filled with socio-cultural references:
this being the early ‘80s, he’d managed to get
Koo Stark, Hi-De-Hi and the word ‘yomping’
all into one sermon.
I said “I’ve found a coccyx – can I keep it?”
And he said

And I said “But I want to keep it.”
And he said “Oh Lordy, you’ll have to go
and ask the bishop then, I suppose.
Now leave me alone, I’m trying to remember
the lyrics to ‘Japanese Boy’”.

So I went round to the bishop’s palace.
There he was, in his vestments and his crozier.
I said “Hello, Your Grace, hello sir.
I’ve found a coccyx – can I keep it?”
And he said

And I thought “I don’t have to listen to this –
I’m taking this to a higher authority:
Archbishop of Canterbury.”
So I headed east – nice walk along the M2,
nice sunny day.
But when I got to the cathedral precincts,
he wasn’t there, he was off round his archbishopric
or somewhere.
And the cathedral people said
“You’ll have to speak to his special envoy.”
And I said
“You mean that big procession of lorries
I saw on the motorway –
airhorns on the top, Kris Kristofferson in his vest?”
And they said
“No, you stupid child – envoy.”

So I went to his special envoy and I said
“I’ve found a coccyx, can I keep it?”
And he said
“Hang on, this is a plastic coccyx
from an anatomical model.
You’d be well-advised to take it to the Science Museum:
they like that kind of thing there –
in fact, they make something of a study of it, I understand.
Because

There’s a strongbox in an annexe
where the plastic coccyxes get indexed,
the ones that get donated, the ones the curator buys
on purchasing expeditions, plastic-coccyx-buying missions –
a quintessential part of working-models of the thighs.”

And I said “Oh. I’ll have to go and tell the bishop, then.”
So I went back to the bishop’s palace and I said
“It’s a plastic coccyx – has to go to the Science Museum,
because

there’s a strongbox in an annexe
where the plastic coccyxes get indexed,
the ones that get donated, the ones the curator buys
on purchasing expeditions, plastic-coccyx-buying missions –
a quintessential part of working-models of the thighs.”

And he said “You’ll have to go and tell the rector.”
So I went back to the rectory.
He was still working on his sermon –
he said “What do you think of this line:
You may think it’s taken the Human League
a long time to finish recording ‘Mirror Man’,
but what’s that compared to the sufferings of Job in the desert?”

And I said “Look, it’s a plastic coccyx –
has to go to the Science Museum:

And so on.